A Requiem for 2019
The end of a year always tends to prompt reflection. Even though there isn’t anything material about the flipping of a calendar - every new year feels like a chance to start again, with a clean slate. It’s a wonderful mental model that we humans use to put aside the past and to look forward once more - often with more hope, optimism and enthusiasm than we were able to muster for the tail end of the year recently ended.
It is no different for me. And as we come to the end of 2019, I thought I would sit down and write a little bit on the year that just passed. For maybe I can look back on this post in the future and see how far I’ve come.
Ok, so 2019.
I don’t want to sugarcoat things - this was the most difficult year of my life.
I won’t bore you with the details, and as always - it comes down to a complicated combination of a number of reasons, but for the first time in my life I went through an extended period where my mental health was in dire straits. I found myself rocked by the curveballs of life and when I searched for my usual mental resilience - it just wasn’t there. My Barry-ness wasn’t there. It scared the life out of me.
I felt like I was wandering through the dark, with no end in sight. I remember using the term ‘mental anguish’ in a journal entry that I wrote, and reading it back thinking that it was quite a dramatic turn of phrase. But as I think back now it seems to be a perfect articulation of what I felt.
“Suffering introduces you to yourself and reminds you that you’re not the person you thought you were. It carves through the floor of what you thought was the basement of your soul and it reveals a cavity. Then it carves through that and reveals a cavity. And then carves through that floor and reveals a cavity below.” — Paul Tillich
I reacted in a way that typifies my personality - by isolating myself and trying to think my way out of the funk. Obviously, this didn’t work. It only served to make things worse. My attitude at work became increasingly pessimistic. I saw the downsides immediately in everything I tried to do. I wasn’t creative at all. I found myself complaining about everything. I let everyone else’s attitudes impact and infect mine.
I wasn’t myself. And it showed.
Contrary to the person that I had always been, I used the excuses of what went wrong in my life - as a reason to stop working hard. A reason to stop trying. I spent a lot of my time wallowing my own self pity.
I had surrounded to defeat, but in a clean, socially accepted way.
(I’m tearing up a bit as I write this. Wow, did I cry a lot this year)
But don’t fear, dear reader - that is not the end of the story!
As depressing as things looked, with hindsight, it is clear that this year might have been the biggest blessing of my life. And that’s because that dark time is over. And I’m still alive, I’m still breathing, I’m still me.
And much of that credit must go to the incredible friends and family who sat with me in the darkness and carried me towards the light. I am immensely grateful for a support system that got their hands dirty in my time in need. When I finally let go of my ego and asked for help - they were there. “Lean on me” they said.
There is tremendous strength to be found in understanding that every season of life will pass. If you just hang on, for dear life, this too shall pass - and the light will appear. 2019 did everything it could to destroy my spirits and it failed in it’s quest. I stand up again. I have found my feet again, my voice, my pride and my confidence in the man that I am.
“Quit acting like a drowned man. Let people around you know that you’re still alive.”
- David Schwartz
So I write this to let you know, future me, that I’m still alive. I am working every single day to understand myself, to be kind to myself and to become a better human than I was yesterday.
I rage, rage, against the dying of the light. And I choose to turn this into a story of redemption.
The moment I was able to chart that redemption, I was reminded of all the good things that happened this year. Things that I forgot to enjoy, forgot to appreciate, forgot to remember - in the murky waters.
I was lucky enough to travel a lot of the world this year. I visited Berlin, Prague, London, Sussex, Bath, Bengaluru, Singapore, Nairobi, Amsterdam, New York and San Francisco. I am so grateful to have the opportunity to travel - it’s something I definitely took for granted during the year.
I am grateful to have interacted with so many amazing people on these trips. I learned so much from those I traveled with, those we met along the way and those I interacted with in a business context.
I spoke at a number of conferences, both here in South Africa and abroad (Bengaluru and Amsterdam) about topics that really excite me.
I made more room for music and theatre this year, which filled my soul.
I wrote some of my best blog posts and articles this year - making some good progress on becoming the world-class writer that I aspire to be.
I started a podcast right at the end of 2019 and I am filled with pride whenever someone messages me to say that they listen in every week.
I was much more intentional with family relationships - trying to be more honest and genuine wherever I could. I’m proud of myself for that.
Lots more I’m sure, but my memory is notoriously bad.
A rollercoaster for sure. But one where I learned more about myself than ever before. I know, now, that if I can get through a year like 2019 - I can get through anything. And that gives me hope.
I look forward to 2020 with the age-old Barry-ness that I’ve missed for so long.
P.S. A quick thank you to everyone who has read any of my writing this year. The fact that you choose to spend your valuable time reading my work is immensely gratifying. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I know that my best work is yet to come and I hope you continue journeying with me.